An Open Letter


That was one of the most tiring weeks of my life. Semestral break just started but I was still going to school to check on my group’s unfinished papers for NSTP and NatSci12. And also the fact that my best friend was in Pangasinan made the week a series of adventurous travels of all sorts. And you went home too, which for me was great news and also bad news because I had to cancel my other appointments so that I could be with you.

And then that night came, after a fight you started, a fight that started from an “okay” reply, you ended us. The best part, your timing was great because I thought that day was perfect. I was with my cousins half of the day and the other half were spent with my best friend and even though I had a fever and a broken knee that day I still pushed through because I thought that that day was going to be wonderful.

I still remember what happened two or three days before that night. You went to my school after playing basketball and the first thing you asked me was “How do I look? Is it bad that I’m wearing slippers to the mall?” and I said that yes, it is fine to go to the mall with me wearing slippers because I myself was just wearing plain doll shoes, jeans and a comfy shirt and I also said that yes, you looked good. And then I introduced you to my friends and just like everytime I introduce you to someone, you were all smiles and warm hellos. And then we left my school and then when I said that we should go and walk to the mall you said “Nakakatamad. Ang init kasi. Tricycle na lang tayo.” And I said no because riding a tricycle from my school to the mall was expensive and that walking to the mall is way better that playing basketball for 4 hours and then you agreed and then it was all fine again. That day was great. We spent the rest of the day together. We ate lunch, watched Divergent, strolled down the mall and just hanged out. You know me; I always loved spending time with you because these bonding moments are so rare. I still remember that while we were watching Divergent you’d just rest your head on my shoulder and when I placed my hand on the arm rest you’d get it and hold my hand and we’d just talk and talk about the movie, about what happened the past few months and things about us. You ended that day by accompanying me back to Kingfisher. And I ended it by giving you the jar I made filled with letters of how much I love you. It was my anniversary gift and you said thanks and promised to read them.

More than two years ago, after almost a year of being “parang kayo pero hindi pero alam mo na ang kulang na lang ay oo” mode I said yes to you on our way home from your birthday party. All you could do was smile and hug me so tightly and then kissed my cheek. Everything felt like it was all just a dream. It was too perfect. Your hug made me feel safe, secure.

On our second semester of being first year college students we both experienced downfalls on our acads. By the time we both knew that our efforts wouldn’t be enough anymore we both knew that we had to make a decision. Yours was to keep pushing through while mine was to drop the class. I just cried the whole night thinking that I’m such a big failure and you told me that that isn’t true. But what I didn’t know was you weren’t happy with my decision because you thought that I won’t give up on something I wanted so hard and that you were even more sad than I was for flunking your Calculus class. And I guess you thought that I failed my accounting class and you with your calculus class because of our relationship that it was getting the best out of us instead of being the best at school, but it didn’t. We failed because our subjects were really hard. You know me, I respect your studying schedules the way you respect mine as well. You know that I wouldn’t dare be a hindrance to your dreams and that I wouldn’t let us be hindrance to our dreams.

Maybe I was too preoccupied that I failed to notice that we were going down hill. A year after we’ve been official you always had alibis when I asked if you could call and lunch dates became rarer and rarer and you said that it was because you were too busy but amidst your busy schedule you still had time to play basketball, go to Dolce just to chill or watch movies with Achie. I didn’t want it to look like I was being too desperate so I just understood you.

I thought all those fights and differences would make us grow even tighter because we solved them together but it didn’t. We grew apart and you blamed long distance relationship. Blaming LDR for our break up was childish because it wasn’t LDR. I tried to fit in your world. You are one of the elites and I am just the normal girl chasing her dreams. I know that your culture is different from mine but I thought we could intertwine those differences because we valued each other more than those differences we had.

That night, just after me and my cousins went out for dinner was the worst night of my life. I was seriously doing everything just to hold back my tears from falling while everyone around me is so happy. There was a point that my cousins even got mad because they knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to speak up. And then just as I arrived home with my sisters from that dinner you broke up with me. I fell to the floor not knowing what to do and just begged you to let me fix this mess.  And then you said that it was the last text you’d be sending me and then I said that I’d kill myself if you’d do that and then you became even furious. How cliché of me, right; to actually tell that I’d kill myself if you won’t talk to me? Not to mention that you broke up with through text. You told me ten moths ago that you would never break up with me because I was all you wanted and that you’d make me see that first and last boyfriend theory is true. You told me that this wasn’t a dream that would eventually end after waking up and that you loved me. That night I saw how long it took before I could literally cry myself to sleep because of the pain.

Until now, after 10 months you still don’t know what they told me and what I felt after accidentally meeting your aunt. She asked me a cold “Girlfriend ka ng pamangkin ko? (with matching tingin from head to toe)” and remember the day we went to your other aunt’s store and then someone told her that I was your girlfriend and then she told that person that I wasn’t good enough for you and that I was ugly and that I wouldn’t fit in your family. All I told you was “hey, alam na ng two aunts mo na tayo na. What if your parents would know about it?” and then you said that there is nothing to worry about. I kept that to myself, knowing that it didn’t matter because you could protect me from all the haters and that they only acted like that because they didn’t know me personally.

A day after the break up I asked you if we could talk when you arrive in Dagupan and you said yes. But you also clarified that nothing that I will do will change what was done. That hurts, a lot. Maybe this is my plot twist. After going to the mall with you that day, after all the happiness comes a big storm that I never thought would come. A day after the break up, I went to the beach with my cousins with my eyes still bulgy because of that night. And I was still wishing that this is just a dream and I would soon wake up to your good morning message. But this is not a dream; this is the bitterness of reality.

“One day, I’ll look at this as a “what if” moment. What if I really did my best to salvage what’s left? I don’t want to have a “what if”. Not with you.”

“I know it’ll be hard. I know it’ll be painful. I know that we have to concentrate. I also know I can’t lose you. I know we can survive all of this. That’s the point of a relationship. You grow together. You mature together. You learn together. You face and solve problems together. I know we can and will do these things (insert his name here). I’m not giving up, not us.”

A month later I started to find other ways of spending my time without crying. And that’s when I came to read the latest issue of Candy and what made me supper happy was the feature of a picture from my Instagram account a few months after posting it. And then I saw the advertisement about the Candy team finding their newest member for and I pushed my luck. This made me feel that better things are yet to come.

Three months later I started to feel a lot better than before. I know that I still have my friends and my family by my side and that God is always here for me. But, the stupid part is that I still want us to be okay. The day when we finally had the chance to talk you gave an assurance that we could be together again after we finish college, after all the stress and after we both realize what was lacking. I held on to that but now it’s not happening.

Now came my 18th birthday. You were the first one to greet me. Why do you have to do that? You could’ve just greeted me at a time where everyone would greet me too. There it would look like it is normal. But no, you decided to greet me just three hours after 12. And by then I thought that we could still be okay. You know what? I didn’t celebrate my birthday with a big debut because I couldn’t believe that you aren’t there to celebrate with me. I know, it’s stupid but it’s fine to not have that debut because I kind’a celebrated my birthday at the annual candy fair. And that made all the stress go away even just for awhile. I got that as a prize from Mama after qualifying to be an interviewee for the member.

Six moths after the break up your friend Jessica decided to step in and try to fix us, let us be friends again. She decided that we should hang out, the three of us and at first I had doubts but my friend Vhea told me that I should face you and that this could the peace I’ve been wishing for. But it was a disaster. I felt like I was a chaperone and Jessica even said sorry for you and told me that I should understand you. I was raging with fire and sadness and all I did to ease the pain is to cry with my friends while drinking my fave batch of iced mocha at a café in Dagupan. At that moment I realized that you were just a waste of time and effort. I was moving on but you decided to rattle my life again and that made me remember everything again.

A few days before 2014 ends I sent you a simple text message saying that I’m sorry and that if it is okay for us to be friends. I just wanted to have peace. I thought we could be like Pops and Martin but I guess that’s impossible. You didn’t message me back so I messaged you again saying that yes, I give up. I gave up trying to fix us, trying to be friends with you because now I know that I am just a stranger to you.

And now it’s almost a year. I hope I could finally bury this. I hope all the bitterness and sadness will be replaced with peace. I still hope that someday we could be good friends when you’re ready. It’s all where it started and I hope it’s where it ends.


One comment

  1. bluenesscake · February 24, 2015

    Do leave comments 🙂


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